Warning Signs

Abusive men work very hard to create and maintain the illusion of a perfect relationship. He is often the “knight is shinning armor” and “Mr. Wonderful”. At first you are drawn to him by the way you are treated in the beginning and by the way you see him treat others. He made you feel special, valued, and cared for. You saw him treat others with the utmost respect and concerned for their well being. He even made you believe that as time went on you would be treated the very same way you have witnessed him treat those in his life that he has introduced you to.

It often takes time for his abusive characteristics to be reveled. The actual abuse or more severe will gradually accrue and more frequent after moving in together or marriage. When these events accrue, it is because the abuser feels more comfortable with his control over you.

All too often the media will bombard us with high profile cases of domestic violence. These cases are often in which the death of a victim has accrued and the spouse or partner is the suspect. Some of these cases are without a previous history of domestic violence. Nearly 75% of the attacks go un-reported to the authorities and sometimes it is the lesser of the attacks that are reported. The abuse goes un-reported by the victim out of fear and intimidation from the abuser.  

I have conducted three lists based on my own personal experiences and by my own research. Each victim’s case isn’t the same and neither is the abuser. A victim may also experience less or more abuse from their abuser than the previous or future victims. These lists consist of the warnings of an abuser, how to recognize that someone you know is abusing their partner and how to tell if someone is a victim.

• Warning Signs of an Abuser. 
• Warning Sign that a Friend is an Abuser.
• Warning Sgns of a Victim.

More often than not the abuser has a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. The abusers family, friends, co-workers and acceptances will know him as DR. Jekyll. The upstanding guy who will bend over backwards for everyone, even total strangers. To the victim, they the evil Mr. Hyde in whom she has to walk on egg shells to avoid abuse.  

Warning Signs of an Abuser

Quick Involvement
The majority of battered women either dated or new their abuser for a short period of time before they either moved in or were married. This is often less than six months. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship and be made to feel guilty for wanting to take things slow or end the relationship. 

Slow Involvement
Even though this warning sign is rare, it is still present. This warning sign is the most unrecognized of them all. The reason being is that the reasons used are the very same  ones anyone would use. As in to take time to get to know the person to be sure that they are the "right one". Also to see if in fact that their future victim can be victimized. Yet, they have already used the whole whirlwind tactics. You would have heard “I knew you were the one I was going to spend the rest of life with when the first time I saw you.” "I only want to be with you." They would have indicated that even though there has been no official form of commitment made, they have asked you not date or see anyone else. You may even have already slowly and unknowingly started to have insolated yourself from family and friends to prevent any form of friction between you and him.

The abusers who use this tactic often play the “Poor me” game. They claim that their previous partner was unfaithful, crazy and hurt them dearly. So they want to be cautious about the next relationship, which is another reason to why it is so very easily dismissed. They play that they were the victim. Abusers use the very same reasons a normal and cautious person would use as well as someone who was abused.

One way to tell if this is a warning sign or not is if they do not want you around family or friends. Even after you agreed to only see each other, but no real commitment has been made. The abuser will indicate that an agreement to only see each other isn’t a relationship. It could be even be six months down the road and he is still using this and will have mentioned in some form that “YOU” have to prove yourself to them.  

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

It is very rare for an abuser to hold the stereotype image of a constantly mean, nasty or violent person. Abusers tend to portray themselves to be a perfectly normal and pleasant person to outside world. Often they hold responsible jobs, positions of authority and are important members of the local community or Church.  Their friends, family, co-works and even acquaintances will view them as upstanding and caring individuals.  They display apparent acts of kindness and consideration to those around them who are outside of the home. The abuser will tend to the needs and wants of those in his life that are outside of the home and considered to be the type of guy who would give someone the shirt off their back. While in turn reserving the abuse to happen mainly in the privacy of the home where there are no witnesses.

Blames Others for Problems

An abuser will blame others for all their problems or for their own shortcomings. There is always someone who is out to get him and that everyone is against him. He will say that someone created obstacles to not achieve his goals. The reason he didn’t get the time off from work he requested is because the work place shows favorites. He will claim that his boss don’t like him and trying to find ways to get him fired if he gets in trouble at work. That he is being blamed for something he didn’t do. When in fact he did do the very things he is denying. In time you will always be the one to blame and nothing will ever be his fault. As time goes on to him it will be your fault that he lied to, said cruel things and your fault that he hit you.  

He will even compare you to his former victim. He will make you feel like a goddess compared to his last partner.  Also make you believe that all he needs is love and tenderness a good hearted woman can bring. 

• "You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."
• "Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?"
• "You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."
• “She never loved me and was only using me”
• “That crazy bitch wouldn’t let me see my friends.”
• “All she did was nag, birch and complain.” 

Blames others for feelings

An abuser will use feelings to manipulate his victims. He wants to make you feel sorry for him. He will use his decisions about what he thinks and feel, but use them as feelings to manipulate you. 

Things he will say:

• “You make me mad”
• “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you”
• “I can’t help being angry”
• “You control how I feel”
• “Only you can make me happy”

Jealousy
Jealousy is tool abusers use to gain control over their victim. The abuser will associate jealously with love. It has nothing to do with love and is a sign of being possessive and lack of trust. The abuser may even use the excuse of being jealous is that they have issues trusting someone due to the fact that their previous victim cheated. They will not disclose that real reason their partner cheated is because they were not getting the love and affection they deserved. That is if in fact their previous partner did cheat. Often abusers are the ones who are cheating, they blame their victims for their own actions. Abusers often accuse their victims to be whores or sluts.

The abuser will question the woman about to whom she talks to and accuse her of flirting. Even question the time she spends with family, friends and even children. The abuser may call their victims frequently during the day or drop in unexpectedly. The abuser will even disallow the victim to work or to attend college. He might check the mileage of her car or ask for friends to check in on her. 

Controlling Behavior
Abusers are very self controlled and very controlling people. At first the abuser will say he is just concerned for her safety and well being. As time goes on, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim’s life. He will control who she talks to, where she goes, howshe wears her hair and makeup and the cloths she wears. The abuser will even control the money and access to the money. Some abusers will insists on separate bank accounts and make the victim pay all of the bills. The abuser will not provide enough money for personal items, food, clothing and house hold bills. Also for house hold repairs. For example: the plumbing needs to be repaired, but the he will not allow for the repairs to happen. This is to intimidate and put fear into you as a control tactic to prevent from calling the police if he has become physically abusive. The abuser will threaten to call Child Protective Services and have the children removed from the home. He may also prevent from the house being cleaned, lack of food or for the children to seek proper medical attention. The abuser will find some a way to create fear of the children being removed from the home just to prevent the you from calling the police. He may even harm himself and threaten to tell the police that you harmed him. As stated he will find a way to put fear into the victim to prevent the cops from being called. That very reason is to why majority of the abuse goes un-reported. 

Abusers are very controlled people and they are not violent because they lost control. The abuser can be in full rage, but will instantly be calm in the presence of another. Most often when the police arrive he is calm cool and collected, while the you may look hysterical. For the abuser to be truly out of control, he would not be able to suddenly stop the abusive behavior when it is at his advantage to. The ability to turn his behaviors on and off suddenly is also a way for the “crazy making” tactics to come into play.  

The abusers behaviors are not about anger or rage and they are always in full control of themselves. He does not batter others such as the cashier who overcharged him, his boss for denying requested time off or the waitress who accidently spilled the water on the table. Instead he will wait until there are no witnesses and abuse the very person he claims to love, cherish and adore.  

The abuse will often escalate from threats to cause harm to actually causing harm. The physical abuse will progress from pushing and shoving, to hitting in places where marks or bruising are more than likely not to show. The abuser may even use objects such as pillows to prevent from marks of evidence to ever appear. Now, if he were in fact out of control, he would not be able to direct or limit where he makes contact with you!

Hypersensitivity
Abusers are easily insulted and claims that their feelings are hurt, when in fact they are actually mad. He will rant and rave that grave injustices have taken place over the smallest of things. They view the normal setbacks such as having to work late, schedule change in work, a traffic ticket or even being asked to help you with chores as personal attacks to them. The abuser will view your preference on things that differs from theirs as criticism to them. When told that their behavior is hurtful to their you, they will take it as personal attack and accuse you as being insensitive or abusive. He will accuse you of always nagging, bitching, and complaining to blame you for the sole reason as to why a fight even started. They will state the you are overreacting and over analyzing as another form to lay blame on someone other than themselves. The abuser will state that his feelings are the ones that are always hurt and that your hurt feelings are invalid and unjustified. 

Entitlement
Abusers with a sense of entitlement deeply believe that they are better than everyone else and deserve special consideration and special treatment from others. This can be demonstrated by cutting in front of the line, saying anything and doing everything they choose. He will overvalue his time and efforts and devalue yours. His work, friends, family or anything and anyone else is put in a higher regard than you are. You are always expected to be focused on his wants, needs and feelings. He demands that his needs are to be met at all times – what he wants, when he wants and how he wants it.

The abuser has to be the center of the universe at all times. When it is an important event that in which the focus should be towards you, such had birthdays, mother’s day or important millstones in your life, he will disregard these things as no importance at all. Yet to everyone else, the abuser may use the excuse that he couldn't get time off from work nor had the money to do something nice for you. When these events do accrue for their victims, the abuser may even go great lengths to prevent any focus on anyone else other than him. This can be demonstrated by him spending his money on his friends or family shortly before the events in which something special should be done for you. He even may do something stating that it is for you, but is in fact for his own pleasure. As in giving you a gift that is something he may want or need, knowing that it isn’t in your tastes or needs. (The husband gives his wife power tools for Christmas when she has no clue how to  use or even turn them on scenario.) You are to  act as if his actions were thoughtful and be grateful that he did anything. He will accuse you for being ungrateful if you is to do otherwise.

He may even try to make you feel guilty; by accusing you of being selfish and attention seeking. The abuser feels put upon if anything is asked of them. He make excuses and puts blame on you for his own actions. No matter what you do, it is never good enough.

Crazy Making

The abusers strong ability for self control is used to try to convince those who are outside of the home that their victims are crazy and need to seek counseling. Often during the fit of rage the abuser is displaying will turn off like light switch in the presence of a witness. This can include a child becoming present, a telephone call or someone coming to the door such as a neighbor, friend or police. He is calm, cool and collective while you are still in hysterics after being brought into that state by the abuser. To aid in his crazy making tactics he may himself call a friend while you uncontrollably upset stating that you are acting crazy for no reason at all and that they need to leave before something bad happens. They even will state they fear for their own safety or the safety of the children. Even with stating that they fear for the safety of the children, they may leave the children at home with the supposed “wild and crazy” mother. The truth is he just has not become physical yet at this point.

The abuser is believed by others more often than not due the isolation he has put the victim under. The abuser will isolate you from his family and friends and anyone else in his that life who resides outside of the home, as well as your family and friends. To aid in the crazy making he will instigate a fight prior to a visitor arriving to the home. As stated the visitor only sees his calm, cool and collective state, while they see you either very upset or hysterical. The fight will more than likely be over something very small, but his verbal abuse is what you will make up highly upset. He will use what know will work best to get you highly upset. Then once someone arrives he will state that you are crazy and that upset over nothing. Don’t be fooled by thinking you can tell the truth and be believed. He has already staged things behind your back for you to appear to be crazy.

The abuser will often change the subject during a fight or will get upset if you do not fulfill his every command. He will twist his words around and accuse of saying something completely different than what you actually said. He will say that you are lying when try to tell him that he is mistaken and will even tell you that you are the one confused. The changing of the subject is a common tool in the crazy making tactics. He will insist that you are thinking and feeling things that you are not. These are used to hurt and anger you with the sole purpose of making you appear crazy and to question yourself. It also used to control you. In time you may end up just giving in to avoid a fight and you will begin to walk on egg shells. He will know what things to say and do to get into the state he wants you to manipulate you.

The abuser will encourage his victims to see a counselor either together or for you to see one their choosing. He may even enlist with friends and family to aid him in convincing you. He will tell that you need help or that the relationship needs help. That they want to assist you in getting the help you need because they care about you.

 

The abuser or the counselor chosen by him or one he has consulted with will encourage you to self admit for a psychiatric evaluation. Your voluntary admission is much like a weapon of destruction to yourself. This protects all involved in the crazy making tactics from any liability of falsely using the system to have you committed.

 

Your compliance with your psychiatric admission becomes the condition for you to maintain the rights that you are being denied of or being threatened to lose. If you resist your voluntary admission into the sought-after psychiatric evaluation, then the things you fear losing becomes the “tool” to manipulate you to re-consider. This manipulates you, to cooperate in your voluntary psychological evaluation and ultimate the crazy-making maneuver.

 

Intimidation
Abusers will use intimidation as one of the many forms to in gaining control and placing fear into their victims. Usually it starts out small with subtle rude comments, but will escalate. They tend to cruel to animals and to children. Not all abusers are though. They can be caring loving while just reserving their anger towards you. The clenching and shacking of the fist when upset over small things is good indicator of what is yet to come. He will do say and do various things to make you afraid to say anything in fear that he will get mad. At first you will that you are just trying to avoid a unnecessary fight.

 

Isolation
An abuser will attempt to isolate his victims from their resources and support. He will accuse your family and friends for being nothing but trouble makers. They will attempt to move you away from everyone you know. He will want for you to spend more time with him than you do with your family and friends. He may accuse for being a whore for having male friends and lesbian for having female friends. Slowly you will find yourself spending less and less time with people in the outside world, just to avoid friction. He will keep you from having car or having one that is reliable and will also prevent from there being enough gas in the car to do things. He will prevent you from having or using a phone. You may even be not allowed to work, go to school or go to church.

 

Abusers may even keep their victims away from their own family and friends. The friends and family that you do spend any amount of time with are ones that he may later use to gang up on you for crazy making tactics. The friends and family members he has you around are either abusers themselves or are ones he knows how to manipulate to believing what he wants. When you ask about why you haven’t met certain friends, he will tell you that they are leery and cautious of new people. Later you will hear that they don’t like you or want to be around you.

 

Warning Sign that a Friend is an Abuser

A good indication that someone you know is abusing their spouse or partner is if he has any of the characteristics mentioned in “Warning Sign of an abuser”. These are some additional warning signs.

• Everyone he has EVER been in a relationship is crazy!
• Refers to woman as whores.
• Nothing is ever his fault.
• She has bruises or wears long warm clothes in the summer.
• Tells you that she is accident prone or hurts herself.
• Her friends and family are trouble makers.
• He has either succeeded or has attempted to move them miles away.
• Ignores her phone calls or text messages.
• He has called her names in front of you and gives the excuse that he was only joking.
• She is bad mother.
• He says that all she can do is nag, bitch and complain.
• She sits in the corner and doesn’t talk much to anyone.
• She is jumpy or seems fearful.
• Tells you that she is crazy or psycho.
• Tells you that she expects too much of him.
• Tells you that she needs counseling.
• You have spent little or no time around her.
• He tells you that she doesn’t like you or wants you to be around.
• You may see her upset or hysterical while he is calm cool and collective. (Think about it, if you were fighting with your loved one and someone called or showed up unexpectedly would you be able to instantly stop being upset.)
• You see him as upstanding guy, while she has either hinted or said something stating otherwise.
• She seems to walk on eggshells.
• He has enlisted you into his crazy making tactics. (Birds of feather flock together)
• Will call you and tell you they have been fighting and he needs to leave before it gets out of hand because she is acting crazy for no reason at all.
• She has attempted to leave or has tried to make him leave.
• She will not take all of the children with her when she leaves the house.
• She has stopped working, going to school or church.

Warning Sgns of a Victim