Feeling a little better today

Feeling a little better today. Mainly because I weighed myself yesterday and the number had dropped considerably since the last time I weighed myself a month ago. I tried on some cloths that haven’t been able to fit since I bought them shortly after Geoff I got together. I put on close to a hundred pound due not eating from stress.  Also from being forced to eat unhealthy food night after night. Geoff was cook in his last jobs and that was all he was until 2009.  So he insisted that he be the one who did all of the cooking each night. What he cooked was mainly hamburger helper and not much of anything else. So we had either Hamburger helper or spaghetti for dinner. Chicken once in awhile.

So between all the large amounts of stress I was being put through daily and not eat properly I put on weight very quickly.  I have now lost nearly 50 pounds since I have been able to start eating at least half of what a person is supposed to eat in a day. When he was removed from home and my daughter returned home from being in foster care, I lost the first 20 pounds just by eating right again.  The last 35 had been since January of this year when I forced myself to eat at least twice a day.

I went to my DV support group tonight. Tonight I needed the focus to me on due the recent events, but there was someone there who currently is in the abusive relationship. Listening to her talk made me cry.  She was talking about the very same things that her husband is currently doing to her and that Geoff had did to me. 

In my case the reason as to why the abuse would get violent in one way or another was because I would always stand up for myself.  The more I stood up for myself, the worse it got. Even though I may have gave in enough to stop the fight or used words that sometimes would make him stop, I never allowed for him make believe that I was the one to blame. I told him daily that if his are special enough for his time, than I am equally special enough. I would always tell him that actions speak louder than words and his actions do not match what he says. Often that would end him yelling at me and making yet another promise I knew he would break. 

Getting him out of my life was the best thing for me. I was trying for so long with so many failed attempts that eventually just gave up.  I know I wasn’t crazy, making things up or imagining things. I know what I saw, what I heard and what I felt and it was valid. Just not to him. 

He would often try and twist my words around to the meaning he wanted instead of the truth.  I told him that I do not allow drinking in my home or around my daughter.  He would say to me.  “You telling me that I have no choice but to drink and drive. You are forcing me to put my life and lives of other’s in danger.” My reply to him would be “That is not what I said and if you do that than it is your choice and your choice alone.”

When we got together we agreed that every other Saturday night would be our date night when my daughter was at her dads for the weekend.  When those Saturdays came he would ALWAYS cancel on me at the last minute.  Telling me that his buddy wants to have it be just a guys night, that he has friend going through tough time and that he needs to be there for him or some other dumb made up reason to not keep his word to me. He would have me drive him to his friend’s house, come back home and wait for him to call me drunk wanting to come home. It was each and every time and we never once had a date night. On these supposed guys only nights, I would get there it would be house filled with people inside a loads of people outside. The wives and girlfriends would be there as well. Geoff would tell me that he is just going on what Steven said and he didn’t know that they would be there. 

It didn’t take long for me to catch on. I started to around and was told that Geoff said I didn’t like his friends or want to be around his friends. The truth, I was never allowed to get to know any of his friends.  The very few that I did get to know were abusers themselves and were the ones that he would use to gang up on me. So when he would ask for me to drive him to his friend’s house for a guys night, I refused. I told him that it wasn’t right to force me to stay home alone every time. That as a couple I should be included some of the time and not excluded every time. 

When he would ask me to drive him to a friend’s house because they need him because they were going through a tough time and needed him. I refused because each and every time something would happen in which he a loving partner should have been here offering me support he took off. Especially, when I would have been pregnant and lost the baby.  He never once offered me any support. He would take off and leave me all alone crying for him to supportive. Geoff would tell me that he did what “HE” had to do, that the ordeal was just as painful for him as it was for me.  Then he would tell me that on his next day off he would give me the support I was asking for.  A loving boyfriend should NEVER tell his girlfriend that she needs to schedule a time to grieve or receive support. Oh and by the way when the day came for these scheduled support sessions he would tell me that he never agreed to it and that I am making it all up.

When he would ask me to take him to his friend’s house, knowing that reason was a lie, I would refuse. I would tell him that if they needed or wanted to see him so damn bad that they can come and pick him or he can find his own way there because I wasn’t going to be his personal chauffeur anymore. That is when he would accuse me of trying to isolate him, prevent him from seeing his friends and trying to control him.  He learned quickly that wasn’t going to work either.

That is when he began to start fights. He did until he learned what he could do to me to make cry uncontrollably then call his friends to come and get him because I was acting crazy and he needed to get away.  Guess when it was he would do these start these fights.  On our date nights or these false scheduled times he would claim to take the time to listen to my needs.