Empowered!

Today I am having a great day. I am not even bothered that these are the weekends I began to dread.  Then ones when my daughter is at her dads for the weekend and I am more alone than usual. Things are different today.  I woke up today thinking that I would have come across a little bit of information that will turn out to be dead-end for me.  Then after speaking to lady who started the registry and saw my abuser name in black and white, a little bit of the old me came out.

Today I feel empower, strong and free.  More so than I have in long time.  How long this will last I do not know.  I haven’t felt this way in long time. I can feel the REAL me scratching at the barriers to be completely free.  To gain control and the fear slipping away. Today I took a step in the right direction! I didn’t hit a wall or having to end up going backwards.  

I do have to admit that I have been doing some paranoid behavior. That is normal for a victim to have that no matter what situation he or she is in. I know this and I have always have know that. I am not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else there.  Each situation is different, but you do have to admit. When your abuser is stalking you it is hard to keep the fear away. Nearly impossible to not be doing paranoid behaviors. Instead of doing what I can to avoid the windows, I found myself looking out each and every single window.  No correcting peeking out each window in my house. Then I realized what I was doing.

I know why and where it came from. It from Geoff corning my daughter on the 29^th. The very next day I was out in my back yard trimming the hell out of my tree.  It needed to be done anyways, but the reason I wouldn’t do it is because of the little of barrier it created from having to see him out by the damn dumpster. The more the leaves filled in the less and less I could see. Eventually they would have filled enough to where there would have been complete barrier. He might have been able to see me, but I wouldn’t have been able to see him!

I did it because if he were to ever do that again the branches that used to hang all the way to the ground wouldn’t have blocked my view and I might have seen the he had approached her. She might have seen him and the whole thing might not have happened!

Oh and while I was out there one of the staff members that works with Geoff offered to help me paint the inside of my house. When I told him that we painted a while ago, he got this surprised look on his face. He started to say something, but caught himself. Even after telling him that we have painted he kept trying to offer help that would bring him side my home.  So I have to assume the Geoff is telling people that we live like pigs and that he NEVER tied me up to prevent me from cleaning the house, that he had his friend Dave come over for the two of the two gang up on me about doing NOTHING but sitting at the kitchen table with my know is the books studying. Well I know for a fact that Geoff tells people that.  Plenty of his co-works have told me that is what Geoff has told them along with other things.

He tells people that I hit myself to make my lip bleed open, that I threw myself down the stairs and that I slammed my own head into the wall giving me a concision. He tells people that he was FORCED to make a false plea of guilty for domestic violence. Well in this state it isn’t that easy to be arrested for domestic violence. You need one of these two things.  The victim has to have marks proving that an assault took place or a witness.  In Geoff’s case there was both. That was the first time that my daughter had ever witness him physically harming me. More people believe him than one would think. So he has is he wearing his DR Jekyll hat pretty well and knows some pretty darn stupid people.

I do not know if Geoff will ever see is name on the web site or not. It isn’t a government agency doing it; it is group of activist who started it. Chances are he doesn’t even know if it exists. Just knowing what he will be feeling if he ever does is enough for me. He will be tarnished. Geoff hates it when people think of him for anything else than what he portrays himself to be. That is one reason as to why I was so isolated. He didn’t want anyone to know the truth! Well I know the truth and that is all that matters.  I know the things he said to me and all of the things he did.

He always told me “I did nothing wrong.” I never hurt you!” “I never said that!” You are imagining things!” “You are making things up!” “You are crazy!” “You are psycho!” I never once gave in and allowed for him make me believe in false truths. I know I am the one who is telling the truth and truth is what will set me free!