Happy Anniversary!

Better yet, Happy Non Anniversary. If we were still together I know exactly how this day would go. You have built me up to believe you were actually going to take the time and effort to go out of your way to do something nice for me. Only to find out it was all a lie. Chances are you would have told me that you spent all your money partying with your friends and couldn’t afford even as much as a card. The night would end up with me tears begging for you try and understand how I was feeling, only to have you get even more angry with every hurtful tear you caused to trickle down my cheeks. You would wait until I was asking for you to stop and to just be nice to for a change to tell me it was my entire fault and that I brought it all on myself. That if I didn’t stop that things are going to get ugly. You would accuse me of being the one keeping it going until I was in hysterics begging for you to stop. I would then have to get naked for you to stop yelling at me. Then be forced to do things that weren’t right for how much pain I was feeling. Those things are to be reserved only for acts of love and not fear!

By the off chance that you did in fact buy me a gift, it would be something you wanted for yourself. The gift wouldn’t have been for me at all, or even having me in mind, yet you would tell me it is. Like strobe light clock you bought for me and got mad when I told you it would cause for me to have a seizure. You told me that you would be tickled pink if someone bought you a gift like that. You accused me of being ungrateful, shellfish and that I wasn’t thinking of your “feelings.” You were so made that I refused to put my health and my life before your happiness! Oh the horror, it was such an injustice to you for me to do that!

The last gift you gave me was a black eye on the last anniversary we actually spent together. You punished me for not understanding your logic that you had done something nice for someone else, yet didn’t care enough to make an effort for me! After all, you did force me to drive you to the store not even a week before our anniversary for you to buy things so you could make sure that one of your friends as you put it “Have their special day”. I thought you could have at least showered and gotten dressed! How wrong of me to think that I deserved to ever have a special day for me!

So my dear Geoff here are the very last gifts, I will ever give to you! Even though I know you will never see this blog, I am still telling you what my gifts to you are. I truly hope you love them, because they are the best gift you will ever receive in your life! You just can’t get any better than this! These gifts I give to you are based on your gift giving style. So they are the perfect gifts for you! Oh but wait, I have given two precious gifts before, but you deny these blessed gift ever existed! You say that these gracious gifts are nothing but a figment of an imagination in my crazy mind! That is so sad! You would always go on and on about wrong it is for other’s to do the very same thing you did. You expressed so much pain and anger for having it done to you, but you go and do exactly what caused you so much pain and anguish as child! So hypocritical of you! Yet I should have known, after all you always said one thing, but actions proved another. Well these last gifts, you can’t deny.

For my first gift to you is that for this day only I dedicate my blog to you. Perfect gift I know. Everything about this blog just screams who you really are and how much I know the real you! This blog has done so many wonderful things for me I that can’t even begin to count them!

Now my last gift is the best one yet. You will never receive a gift any better than this one. You actually made history! Really I mean it and it was little ole me who made it happen for you. Well with your help of course, because without you being who you really are, I wouldn’t have been able to give you this gift! On June 8, 2012, you became the first person in our state to be listed on the “National Domestic Violence Registry”. I was pounding my brain on what to give to you and when I saw that the website the day before after someone one had posted it in their facebook status, I knew I just had to get it for you! When I had submitted your information, I didn’t know that you were going to go down in history until after I was notified that my submission was accepted and I saw I for myself! OH MY GOD, I am in tears right now for how happy I am that because of your choice of action I was able to give you this gift.

Yes…yes, I know you don’t have to tell me that these gifts are truly for me and my happiness. You have to remember it is based on your gift giving style. Like I said I know you will never see this blog or ever know that you have made history. You don’t have easy access to the internet, so how could you. It’s a shame really. These are the best gifts, I have given you that can’t be denied and you will never know. Yet, by the off chance that you do, you have to pat me on the back for my creativity!

Furthermore that by some majorly off the wall chance you see these very thoughtful and meaningful gifts that are just perfect for you. I hope you remember the very same words you would say to me each and every time I tried to talk to you about my hurt feelings, the type of day I had or horrific pain one feels when suffering from the loss of a loved one. “Stop your bitching because there are people who are far worse off than you.” “Stop your crying because you should feel lucky that you have a roof over year head.” “You should be sorry for the people who died from buildings falling on them.” “You are being selfish, just think of the starving children in Africa!” “You have nothing to be upset about; the people who lost their homes in the hurricane have more to be upset about then you.” “You are overacting! Just look at the father who lost his kids when his wife drowned them. You don’t see him carrying on about it.” ”People die every day, it is what it is, there is nothing you can do, so shut up about it.”

I couldn’t be more proud of myself; these gifts sure do send a message of my true feelings for you. It is shocking to me that you didn’t read the signs. I mean really if I wanted you in my life, would I have called the police on you? Even after calling the corporate office to complain of your actions, you still didn’t get it! You cornered my daughter and conned her into giving you new cell phone number. Then you tried to use her as pawn to gain entry back into my life. You can deny it all you want, but I have it recorded. So I reported you yet again, still your light bulb just in not coming on!

You want for me to put the past behind me and move forward! You said that you could fix the past. Really…you expect for me to believe that? In order to fix anything you would have to acknowledge all the wrong you have done. That will never happen because in your mind you have done nothing wrong. You would have to feel remorse and anguish for all that I have lost. Some of which I will forever miss, hold dear to my heart for all eternity and don’t go a day without thinking out. That would be a cold day in hell because to you I haven’t lost anything worth losing.

The last time we spoke I said to you: “I fucking pray for your death every day! I can’t stand you! I fucking hate your murdering woman beating raping ass!” That was putting it the nicest way possible. You are nothing but a thing of the past. Been there, done it and not doing it again! I glad it is over and grateful you are out of my life.

Make it known!

The National Domestic Violence Registry

Empowered!

Today I am having a great day. I am not even bothered that these are the weekends I began to dread.  Then ones when my daughter is at her dads for the weekend and I am more alone than usual. Things are different today.  I woke up today thinking that I would have come across a little bit of information that will turn out to be dead-end for me.  Then after speaking to lady who started the registry and saw my abuser name in black and white, a little bit of the old me came out.

Today I feel empower, strong and free.  More so than I have in long time.  How long this will last I do not know.  I haven’t felt this way in long time. I can feel the REAL me scratching at the barriers to be completely free.  To gain control and the fear slipping away. Today I took a step in the right direction! I didn’t hit a wall or having to end up going backwards.  

I do have to admit that I have been doing some paranoid behavior. That is normal for a victim to have that no matter what situation he or she is in. I know this and I have always have know that. I am not saying that my situation is worse than anyone else there.  Each situation is different, but you do have to admit. When your abuser is stalking you it is hard to keep the fear away. Nearly impossible to not be doing paranoid behaviors. Instead of doing what I can to avoid the windows, I found myself looking out each and every single window.  No correcting peeking out each window in my house. Then I realized what I was doing.

I know why and where it came from. It from Geoff corning my daughter on the 29^th. The very next day I was out in my back yard trimming the hell out of my tree.  It needed to be done anyways, but the reason I wouldn’t do it is because of the little of barrier it created from having to see him out by the damn dumpster. The more the leaves filled in the less and less I could see. Eventually they would have filled enough to where there would have been complete barrier. He might have been able to see me, but I wouldn’t have been able to see him!

I did it because if he were to ever do that again the branches that used to hang all the way to the ground wouldn’t have blocked my view and I might have seen the he had approached her. She might have seen him and the whole thing might not have happened!

Oh and while I was out there one of the staff members that works with Geoff offered to help me paint the inside of my house. When I told him that we painted a while ago, he got this surprised look on his face. He started to say something, but caught himself. Even after telling him that we have painted he kept trying to offer help that would bring him side my home.  So I have to assume the Geoff is telling people that we live like pigs and that he NEVER tied me up to prevent me from cleaning the house, that he had his friend Dave come over for the two of the two gang up on me about doing NOTHING but sitting at the kitchen table with my know is the books studying. Well I know for a fact that Geoff tells people that.  Plenty of his co-works have told me that is what Geoff has told them along with other things.

He tells people that I hit myself to make my lip bleed open, that I threw myself down the stairs and that I slammed my own head into the wall giving me a concision. He tells people that he was FORCED to make a false plea of guilty for domestic violence. Well in this state it isn’t that easy to be arrested for domestic violence. You need one of these two things.  The victim has to have marks proving that an assault took place or a witness.  In Geoff’s case there was both. That was the first time that my daughter had ever witness him physically harming me. More people believe him than one would think. So he has is he wearing his DR Jekyll hat pretty well and knows some pretty darn stupid people.

I do not know if Geoff will ever see is name on the web site or not. It isn’t a government agency doing it; it is group of activist who started it. Chances are he doesn’t even know if it exists. Just knowing what he will be feeling if he ever does is enough for me. He will be tarnished. Geoff hates it when people think of him for anything else than what he portrays himself to be. That is one reason as to why I was so isolated. He didn’t want anyone to know the truth! Well I know the truth and that is all that matters.  I know the things he said to me and all of the things he did.

He always told me “I did nothing wrong.” I never hurt you!” “I never said that!” You are imagining things!” “You are making things up!” “You are crazy!” “You are psycho!” I never once gave in and allowed for him make me believe in false truths. I know I am the one who is telling the truth and truth is what will set me free!

The National Domestic Violence Registry

I found this web site today.  Someone on facebook had shared it in their status update today. You have to submit the information yourself, but it worth it! Submit your abuser today! So I am in the process of obtaining the information to put my abuser up there so he can't abuse anyone else.

The National Domestic Violence Registry

Feeling a little better today

Feeling a little better today. Mainly because I weighed myself yesterday and the number had dropped considerably since the last time I weighed myself a month ago. I tried on some cloths that haven’t been able to fit since I bought them shortly after Geoff I got together. I put on close to a hundred pound due not eating from stress.  Also from being forced to eat unhealthy food night after night. Geoff was cook in his last jobs and that was all he was until 2009.  So he insisted that he be the one who did all of the cooking each night. What he cooked was mainly hamburger helper and not much of anything else. So we had either Hamburger helper or spaghetti for dinner. Chicken once in awhile.

So between all the large amounts of stress I was being put through daily and not eat properly I put on weight very quickly.  I have now lost nearly 50 pounds since I have been able to start eating at least half of what a person is supposed to eat in a day. When he was removed from home and my daughter returned home from being in foster care, I lost the first 20 pounds just by eating right again.  The last 35 had been since January of this year when I forced myself to eat at least twice a day.

I went to my DV support group tonight. Tonight I needed the focus to me on due the recent events, but there was someone there who currently is in the abusive relationship. Listening to her talk made me cry.  She was talking about the very same things that her husband is currently doing to her and that Geoff had did to me. 

In my case the reason as to why the abuse would get violent in one way or another was because I would always stand up for myself.  The more I stood up for myself, the worse it got. Even though I may have gave in enough to stop the fight or used words that sometimes would make him stop, I never allowed for him make believe that I was the one to blame. I told him daily that if his are special enough for his time, than I am equally special enough. I would always tell him that actions speak louder than words and his actions do not match what he says. Often that would end him yelling at me and making yet another promise I knew he would break. 

Getting him out of my life was the best thing for me. I was trying for so long with so many failed attempts that eventually just gave up.  I know I wasn’t crazy, making things up or imagining things. I know what I saw, what I heard and what I felt and it was valid. Just not to him. 

He would often try and twist my words around to the meaning he wanted instead of the truth.  I told him that I do not allow drinking in my home or around my daughter.  He would say to me.  “You telling me that I have no choice but to drink and drive. You are forcing me to put my life and lives of other’s in danger.” My reply to him would be “That is not what I said and if you do that than it is your choice and your choice alone.”

When we got together we agreed that every other Saturday night would be our date night when my daughter was at her dads for the weekend.  When those Saturdays came he would ALWAYS cancel on me at the last minute.  Telling me that his buddy wants to have it be just a guys night, that he has friend going through tough time and that he needs to be there for him or some other dumb made up reason to not keep his word to me. He would have me drive him to his friend’s house, come back home and wait for him to call me drunk wanting to come home. It was each and every time and we never once had a date night. On these supposed guys only nights, I would get there it would be house filled with people inside a loads of people outside. The wives and girlfriends would be there as well. Geoff would tell me that he is just going on what Steven said and he didn’t know that they would be there. 

It didn’t take long for me to catch on. I started to around and was told that Geoff said I didn’t like his friends or want to be around his friends. The truth, I was never allowed to get to know any of his friends.  The very few that I did get to know were abusers themselves and were the ones that he would use to gang up on me. So when he would ask for me to drive him to his friend’s house for a guys night, I refused. I told him that it wasn’t right to force me to stay home alone every time. That as a couple I should be included some of the time and not excluded every time. 

When he would ask me to drive him to a friend’s house because they need him because they were going through a tough time and needed him. I refused because each and every time something would happen in which he a loving partner should have been here offering me support he took off. Especially, when I would have been pregnant and lost the baby.  He never once offered me any support. He would take off and leave me all alone crying for him to supportive. Geoff would tell me that he did what “HE” had to do, that the ordeal was just as painful for him as it was for me.  Then he would tell me that on his next day off he would give me the support I was asking for.  A loving boyfriend should NEVER tell his girlfriend that she needs to schedule a time to grieve or receive support. Oh and by the way when the day came for these scheduled support sessions he would tell me that he never agreed to it and that I am making it all up.

When he would ask me to take him to his friend’s house, knowing that reason was a lie, I would refuse. I would tell him that if they needed or wanted to see him so damn bad that they can come and pick him or he can find his own way there because I wasn’t going to be his personal chauffeur anymore. That is when he would accuse me of trying to isolate him, prevent him from seeing his friends and trying to control him.  He learned quickly that wasn’t going to work either.

That is when he began to start fights. He did until he learned what he could do to me to make cry uncontrollably then call his friends to come and get him because I was acting crazy and he needed to get away.  Guess when it was he would do these start these fights.  On our date nights or these false scheduled times he would claim to take the time to listen to my needs.  

Will it ever end?

He is there again today. He went out to the dumpster with an escort twice. The first time he was putting trash in to dumpster and his co-worker was putting boxes into recycle bin. This was about 3:45. I was at my kitchen sink washing the chicken to get it ready to cook for dinner. When his co-worker wasn’t looking he flipped me off. Even with an escort he does his crap. He just makes sure that he isn’t seen. The second time I was sitting at my computer playing a game. When I heard banging on the dumpster I saw him, but didn’t see his co-worker at first. I saw his co-worker when I left to go into another room until they were done.

For nearly three years I have barricaded myself in my home in fear of him. When the no contact order expired in November of 2011 I slowly increased the hiding in my home. In January I stopped going to any part of my house that faced the back of 7-11 when I knew or thought he was there. Two months ago I started going to the rooms I had stopped going to. Now I feel like I have to hide out in my living room all the time. I stopped sleeping in my bedroom because he would bang on the dumpster waking me up at night. I now sleep on the couch in the living room. I can’t live like this!

Tomorrow night I have my support group meeting. I will talk about all of the things that have happened. I have talked to crisis hot line and that helped some. It made me feel good until I saw him again. I just wish he would leave me alone!

Another sleepless night!

Well it is 2:34 am and I have not been able to sleep. Ended up having a anxiety attack that got me right out of my sleep mode and then each time I lay down my mind goes to all the things that it shouldn’t go to. Why did he have to get in contact with me and demand that we have lunch to hash things out and be able to build on things to move forward. Why did he demand that I treat him with respect and be civil to him? After all he has done to me all I have lost how can he think I want anything to do with him! He told me that he can fix the past. Yeah, just by creating more painful things to destroy me. I told him that I pray for his death every day, I can’t stand him and that I hate his woman beating, raping piece of shit ass. He told me that I have no reason to be hostile and that he is waving the white flag. I have no white flag to wave to him and I never will.

If he truly wanted to be a part of my healing process then he should have never created anything that would require a healing process to start with. He would have to honestly acknowledge that what he has done to me is wrong, make true of his empty promises and truly apologize. I know that none of those things will ever happen. He doesn’t think that what he has done to me is wrong. I just wish he would leave me alone and no longer work at the 7-11 behind my house. Just knowing that he is that close to me 4 times during the week has caused me to remain in fear and why I am having difficulties healing.